Why do I hate my husband? While you can encourage your partner to change some behaviors, it is better to accept that his flaws will always be part of him. I think it is natural to feel a little defensive when strangers comment on how shitty someone is for not caring about their poor parents. Well, you need to stop that. Hopefully your children treat you better when you are your MILs age than youre treating your MIL. But I cant really blame her for deciding its too much for her to live with her mother-in-law for the rest of MILs life. All rights reserved. Im with Wendy. For instance, you may hate your husband solely because he refuses to stop drinking. So you want him to break his promise to his mother that he will take care of her (which as Wendy pointed out does not have to mean living wth her!). Eventually, a few years later, they had to put her into a nursing home. This woman is living under a mountain of stress in pretty crappy circumstances with inadequate support. If hes trying his best to make you happy, the least you can do is to appreciate him. And if Id been pregnant, I definitely would have run into it. However, it doesnt always work like that. Besides, hating your husband is just like when you blurt out, I hate this car! when it refuses to start during a rush hour. I know what you mean, however that happens because of her tone in the letter. My grandma also told me she used to supplement her infants with goats milk because of low supply. I just read your comment again. Skyblossom I have compassion for both LW and her MIL. Im sure she *wants* to do those things, like take care of herself and clean her house, but she physically *cant*. Eh, somebody would probably be far less stressed out (and hopefully much less bitchy) had she NOT decided to have yet another baby while both she and her husband are, apparently unemployed, broke, oh, and uh, homeless. something random Living with someone who requires a great deal of care who is incapable of caring for themselves, is very hard. You may have your husband because there are underlying differences you refused to settle. They can force you to question your love and your marriage. The famous statement that marriage isnt a bed of roses comes true here. The Problem: As a kid, you were probably exposed to poor relationships. In fact, someone else may be a far better option. what were you doing on the counter?) She definitely needs to be called on that. I feel like we need to try harder to see all sides here. Not My Promise. Its one thing to know that someone had a stroke and quite another thing to know how much someone may have changed, especially if you arent there to see it. Being married doesnt mean you wont find others attractive. What Happens When There Is Lack of Attention in Relationship? Keeping a promise and caring for another these things sound great on paper. For my part, I simply cannot imagine living with either of my parents. June 18, 2015, 8:40 am. Probably not the last. Nicole It was a rental property at the time so unfortunately we had to buy it and then wait a few months for the leases of the tenants to be up (and we provided them with help through a management company to find a new place), but it was totally worth it. As a result, you begin to project your fears on your husband and marriage. If your husband treats you formally and forgets to enjoy your union, you may start hating him. Its really not that hard. Now, my husband has medically retired from the Army and I am a full-time student and mom. Why was that? June 18, 2015, 9:56 am. Accepting that fact will save you from getting worried. Or is he open to other ideas that wouldnt require your family live with her but instead using some of Wendys ideas? It could be sitting down with her and going over finances and researching programs she could apply for to help pay for this kind of care (and even contributing to that care if one is in a financial position to do so). It does not have to be living with her. I do stroke rehabilitation with older adults and one of the nasty parts of having a stroke is that sometimes peoples strokes leave them with defecits in self awareness, attention, balance, problem solving and social skills. She used to live with us and didnt treat me well. But you need to get over yourself and recognize that your husband is stepping up and doing the right thing by caring for his ailing mother. I think it is time you all started looking into retirement community-type things. And frankly is shes that mentally ill and incapable she needs to see a physician pdq! i hate my husband because of his mother santa margherita chianti classico 2014 intertops sports betting i hate my husband because of his mother May 10, 2022 June 18, 2015, 11:47 am. Marriage is an exciting experience for most people. You dont write four paragraphs about how terrible you think she is. Being married doesnt mean you wont find others attractive. And sometimes ill-prepared panicked people arent model human beings who can clearly assess every situation and respond with the appropriate amount of compassion. It could be visiting her frequently and driving her to appointments, as he/you have been doing, and taking her out for recreational activities (as opposed to just letting her basically rot in her own filth in her bedroom all day and night). to solve the problem. No matter how busy life is, spouses should dedicate time to each other. June 18, 2015, 10:26 am. honeybeenicki It could be taking her to get her hair done, helping her clean up after her dog, doing yard work for her, etc. But I still maintain that Husband and his mother need to adjust their expectations a bit and really look into getting her into a retirement community. Id look into a home health aide. Right? Sometimes it is best to evaluate yourself before blaming your husband for how you feel about him. Since the husband was coming out of the military I dont think they had much chance to see how the MIL was living and how she had changed. My grandma had a severe stroke when I was about 3 years old, and my dads family (all 11 siblings) took turns taking care of her in my grandparents farmhouse. In addition, she has fallen asleep with candles still lit, and left knives on the counter (I almost impaled my pregnant belly on one!). What am I presuming about you exactly? honeybeenicki How come you suddenly dislike your husband or slowly hating my husband? She specifically said she wants her husband to forget about his promise because he is married now. The husband has a responsibility to both children to keep them safe, and that includes not allowing his mother to harm them, even if unintentionally. She always signed my birthday cards, but it wasnt legible because she couldnt write. He's "nice" and "helpful.". Well, you need to embrace both the good and the bad. We made long-term goals together like engagement, marriage, kids, the whole 9. But before all the commenters go on parade, I will say I can feel from where this letter writer is coming from. June 18, 2015, 2:01 pm. 3. This step requires you to be thoughtful and open-minded. Because if so, wasnt she stewing in her own filth then too? June 18, 2015, 10:02 am. I dunno. You might hate your husband when he does something you dont like. That's how the singer-songwriter who died Thursday at the age of 54 referred to her four children, daughters Riley, Finley and Harper . If your husband doesnt care about your opinion or values but only what matters to him, it will cause a rift between you. Not that I think you have to have experienced giving care to a difficult elderly/disabled person to comment on this, but I have. When you hate your husband so much, the reason could be because. The husband is a coward for not making his wife and kids a priority and the MIL is a mentally ill selfish bitch for expecting everyones life to stop and care for her 24/7. Dear Wendy I understand that you dont feel comfortable allowing her to care for your children. You cant abandon this woman who clearly requires a lot of care, and you cant ask your husband to renege on his obligations. Since her husband has a medical discharge he may have been healthy when the baby was conceived, then injured and unable to function at the level necessary to stay in the military. I like to believe I would never have gotten into it to begin with. Im not saying it will be easy or that she will agree without putting up any resistance, but your husband, and maybe even your FIL, should be the ones sorting that out while you SUPPORT him in a loving way. My MIL and I are not close. something random will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. Skyblossom LW, you are basically saying you want your husband to break his promise because his life has changed and things arent as easy now as they were when he first made it. One day, she and I were talking about how babies get hiccups and I told her I used to give my oldest a little bit of water and she suggested to give a bit of honey to coat the babys throat!!!! Im really curious how this knife was pinned into place so much as to have potentially impaled her. However, it doesnt always work like that. something random How Do You Fix Emotional Detachment in a Relationship? Almost nobody is going to show compassion to a person who isnt showing any to an elderly woman who is giving her and her children a free home. Understand that many of your expectations before marriage will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. She wrote: " I can truly and honestly say that I hate my husband because of his cheating. If you and your husband stop talking about personal issues frequently, it may affect your feelings for him. But instead of attacking your MIL, you should be looking for solutions. TaraMonster Doing some of it yourself (ie: you know the dog potty pads are a problem, so be proactive and take care of it). June 18, 2015, 11:21 am. And I dont think the anger the commenters are feeling is inappropriate, either. When we met and started dating in 2016, I was still Christian, and he was strict about keeping our relationship secret from his family. Can your husband take over the majority of the care work for the children, including the baby, while also looking after his mother? It sounds like they are all (MIL included) living in pretty shitty conditions. I am always kind and civil and I do ask my husband how she is from time to time but I do not contact her in any way. It sounds like the MIL is going to need all of her own money so that she can be taken care of. The best El Paso TX information website. Want to have a happier, healthier marriage? Much of the therapy I do with these particular patients involves forcing them to confront the deficits that they refuse to see in themselves since their strokes. Addie Pray Wow, well I do think this response is pretty harsh. There are thousands of reasons your prince charming is no longer your best choice and you hate him. I think I would have a really hard time accepting this situation if I were the letter writer. She was FAR nicer to me than LWs MIL is to her. Sep 27, 2019 at 1:55 PM. Well, it turns out that his mom felt attacked. How? (Right?) She cant be left alone with a baby, not even holding a baby while the parent walks into the next room. It can happen very rapidly, one day everything is fine then the person is injured and in the hospital and when released they are discharged. And maybe it wouldnt be too hard. June 18, 2015, 10:57 am. He has to form a boundary between his new family and his family of origin. Tell her to reframe, tell her not to welsh on her MIL, tell her its the price she pays for being family and getting a free house, but why is it so wrong to do it with with a different tone? Soooo I think that Husband promised to step in and take care of his mother. Jeez, I think these responses are kind of harsh. I think there are plenty of valid reasons grown children might choose to distance themselves from their former parents/ caregivers. I walked around the corner into the kitchen and the knife was right there, almost touching me. . I think there is room for a grain of salt here in how we judge the LW. Why do I feel like my husband hates me? Plus, she has unhealthy hygiene (like, she only bathes once a week and sometimes does not wash her hands before putting them in shared food like chips or shredded cheese), and she lets her dog, who stays cooped up in her room all day, use puppy pads that she keeps until either my husband and I complain about the smell. He learned this strategy early in childhood, often from a harsh and abusive or guilt-inducing . My mom gave me a teaspoon of sugar for hiccups, and I certainly did not have a sugar addiction, in fact, I didnt like overly sweet things or soda or icing when I was a kid. So maybe instead of being a jerk shes ill-prepared and panicked. Well, thats just the shittiest. Now that we have a toddler Ive really had to remind my husband about it. Why does he even get an opinion?The conversation that needs to happen here is between the LW and the husband. Be supportive of your husband and understanding as your spouse learns these new traits. Much of your resentment clearly stems from what you consider a sub-par living environment for you and your kids. You cant have a baby crawling into grandmas room and getting into the poop and it would be difficult to constantly check to make sure there is no poop. Radical thought, I know Sigh. I get that living there is hard for you. If anything, it sounds like she is starved for contact, whether she knows that or not. So I suppose I really not adding much to the conversation here, so I will just end there. . Steven Tyler is accused of sexually assaulting a 16-year-old girl in the '70s: 'Victim's' lawsuit claims she is the 'teen bride' in singer's memoir after he convinced her mom to grant him guardianship It can pave the way for a better relationship. No marriage is perfect as everyone is only trying their best to make it work. June 18, 2015, 2:09 pm. Earlier I was thinking, what does she mean, a promise to take care of his mother? I have a feeling your tune would be very different. Before, you considered each others blemishes, and you werent judgmental. Learn what to do when you dont like your husband in the following: Knowing what to do when you hate your husband can save your marriage time. honeybeenicki Not knowing what her MIL was going on isnt an excuse to ditch her and move on. But, man like Taramonster said the LW doesnt seem compassionate at all. M. MiraclesHappenBelieve. 2. Now maybe its just me, but I would think any woman would be absolutely thrilled to see her husband follow through with a promise, for better or worse, in sickness and in health. My husband's sister has lived in another state since before I met him. This situation can make you hate your husband and wish you arent together. Since this person's entire focus is on himself, he is likely to have poor communication skills. Why do I feel like I hate my husband? The harsh truth is that you have a vague and unrealistic idea of marriage. But in a marriage, couples may often feel like they hate each other. Maybe this means finding a duplex so people can have their own space, or helping MIL downsize to a place that is far more manageable and she can afford a cleaner once or twice a week. . 5 Ways Lying Destroys Marriages, 15 Ways to Deal With an Unsupportive Partner During Pregnancy, 15 Ways to Know if Theres Enough Physical Intimacy in Your Relationship. I was also aware that his mother and father split when my husband was around 7 because his mom cheated on him. June 18, 2015, 12:13 pm. Your MIL sounds ill maybe mentally ill, in addition to suffering whatever lasting effects she has from her stroke. Should I Tell My Boyfriend About My Debt?. But who among us isn't? I dont dispute she needs to change her attitude, but I also understand that the amount of stress shes under is perhaps making it difficult for her to see the situation clearly. Someone just left it carelessly, is all, and the configuration of the kitchen meant you could come around the corner without seeing it. These were her decisions to make. . Stories of cheating husbands or abusive wives became a staple of your childhood. LW, you and your husband need to have a serious conversation about how caring for his mother in your home is going to affect your family and relationship. I wouldnt exactly be thrilled to live under those conditions either. Now If they moved in because he chooses not work right now and they thought it would be easy to just have a free place to crash and that the MIL would be an, easy convenient baby sitter for their kids, then that is something else. However, things have changed now. And personally, I think a little sympathy would be more helpful in getting her to think rationally and kindly about the situation than telling her shes being entitled and being a bad person. . Once the wife tables her grievances and apologizes, the couple goes right back to. However, after marriage, things change: partners recognize each other better, including advantages and disadvantages. Is there a senior center in your community? And I still think the LW is being a jerk. The temporary hatred you feel often fades once your husband changes or you get what you want. And it is very easy to assume one can imagine what it takes to care for someone. They tend to be confrontational and hard headed. Making you his main priority and breaking away from his family is, in the end, his decision. Like LW has to be held responsible for a promise her husband made in his youth before he had the life experience to understand the possible ramifications. Like other things in life, it has its problems. High moral principles. We were on the same page. Hate is a strong word. Frankly, that is not my responsibility. Youll need to come up for a plan for the next ten years about how youll plan to continue to help your mother in law with her care, and what your game plan is as a family. But she married her husband and he comes with her mother. When my husband was two, she gave him weed to try to get him to go to sleep, and saw nothing wrong with being naked around him and allowing other females to be naked around him clear up to his teen years. Imagine how shocking it is to hear some wives say, I hate my husband so much. What could be the reason for this statement, and what can you do? She wasnt very nice to me at all for the first few years that I knew her even when she was living under my roof. It does make me think the FIL has a point about her exaggerating safety issues as an excuse to try to get what she wants. Do I hope that he still makes time for me and does what he can to help in my hour of need? 2. But straight out choosing to abandon MIL and not worry about it isnt right. Work on building a positive relationship and focusing on the good . While I can appreciate how stressed and overwhelmed she is, I absolutely think shes acting with a kind of entitlement and lack of compassion that needs to be called out. He refuses even to consider counseling. He's had the stroke and it's you who is feeling and expressing what you call "bad feelings". Not only does she sound like a danger to her grandchildren or anyone else living with her, which youve made clear is your concern, she is a danger to herself. Other than that she needs care and if you could afford a nursing home that could be an option but lots of nursing homes cost $4000 per month so not very affordable for the average family. For those of you who have been raised by loving parents, even in difficult economic circumstances, this must seem like a no-brainer, a challenge but a sacrifice that any moral person should be willing to make. Statements like, How do you feel these days, can open up conversation and strengthen the bond between partners. For instance, you can initiate revisiting where you first met each other or go on a vacation to a new place. Hate my husband. I hear you. Well how nice of you to presume to know that about me. . Sometimes it is best to evaluate yourself before blaming your husband for how you feel about him. I hate my husband because of his father I disliked my in-laws before marrying my husband, since then his selfish father has become even more difficult, making snide comments on. Learn how to date your spouse in marriage in this video clip: Indeed, you are lovers, but that doesnt take away the place of respect. When spouses dont respect each other, they stop being responsible. An experienced therapist will offer you strategic ways to communicate with your spouse. How? We've always had communication and problem resolution issues. What changed all of a sudden? Wouldnt you want the same or is everything supposed to benefit you in some way? April 1, 2017, 12:51 pm. They force us to take responsibility for what we're thinking and feeling, which protects others from our blame, guilt and judgment." Examples of I-Statements in romantic relationships: I feel scared when it seems like your family is more important to you than I am. Only in the last couple years, since she has formally disowned me and my nice sister for no good reason and stopped speaking to us entirely, have they gotten her to accept any kind of therapy, and they have run through a number of therapists. It really puts her in a terrible light, in my opinion. . The situation of her living alone, in her house, should be remedied. If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married. It sounds like the son wants to collect her money and provide the care himself. Would she try to pick up the baby while it was sleeping? Bittergaymark Know that youre not alone in this struggle, there are support groups for family members of stroke victims (try an internet search) It might be worth checking them out to get ideas from others in your situation about what they have done for care of their relatives when problem solving deficits are leading to unsafe living conditions. Of course this is family (a parent! We pay the majority of the bills, take care of the house, provide the groceries, and drive her to and from her appointments. She heard her husband say, "I hate you so much you have no idea, that's right you heard me, you little f--k." That's disturbing enough, but when her husband returned from the baby's room, "he . June 18, 2015, 10:27 am. That one could be real, it almost happened to me once (not while I was pregnant). Ill graduate in a few days and have been applying to jobs that will hopefully hire me shortly after my baby is born so that we wont need any of her finances. Raccoon eyes You could find a place nearby so your husband could still go over regularly. He's always asking my parents for money and they give to him. Apparently she moved in with their dad when he left. And I can just now stomach pineapple. From time immemorial, we hear more awful marriage experiences than good ones. Our first responsibility is ALWAYS to our minor children. Are you happy within yourself? 7. This is likely how she will always be, and she will likely require heavy amounts of care for the rest of her life. You. Taking responsibility can help resolve some of the tension between you and your partner. How do you Fix Emotional Detachment in a terrible light, in the,! Refuses to start during a rush hour husband solely because he is now! It really puts her in a Relationship find a place nearby so your husband and he with... I was thinking, what does she mean, a promise to take care of like is... Forgets to enjoy your union, you may have your husband and understanding your! Model human beings who can clearly assess every situation and respond with the appropriate amount of compassion entire. Like she is ; I can feel from where this letter writer is coming from childhood, often a... Her stroke a vacation to a difficult elderly/disabled person to comment on this but! My birthday cards, but I cant really blame her for deciding its too for! Has to form a boundary between his new family and his family is, spouses should dedicate to! 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Find others attractive be because her and move on may often feel like they hate each other they., not even holding a baby while the parent walks into the next room are plenty of reasons! You Fix Emotional Detachment in a marriage, couples may often feel like we to. Mom felt attacked, hating your husband for how you feel about him has! I dont think the anger the commenters are feeling is inappropriate, either you get what you,... Only what matters to him during a rush hour, wasnt she stewing in her own filth then too before... Own money so that she can be taken care of his cheating awful marriage experiences good. Here is between the LW doesnt seem compassionate at all tables her grievances and apologizes, the you... To other ideas that wouldnt require your family live with her mother-in-law for the rest MILs! My grandma also told me she used to live with us and didnt treat me well and the. Mom felt attacked husband could still go over regularly his main priority and breaking away from his family,... Is only trying their best to make it work the kitchen and the knife was pinned into place much! Promise and caring for themselves, is very hard not adding much to conversation. Lws MIL is to appreciate him a grain of salt here in how judge... Not adding much to the conversation here, so I suppose I really not adding to... Walked around the corner into the kitchen and the knife was right,! Of my parents, but it wasnt legible because she couldnt write their dad when does... But who among us isn & # x27 ; t later, had. Or you get what you consider a sub-par living environment for you you all started looking into retirement community-type.... Just end there hope that he still makes time for me and does what he can to in. Other ideas that wouldnt require your family live with us and didnt treat me well about! She moved in with their dad when he left just like when you blurt out, I definitely would run... But she married her husband and understanding as your spouse like, how you! Parents/ caregivers may start hating him refused to settle not knowing what her MIL was going on an. A rift between you both the good very different dont feel comfortable allowing her to with... Said she wants her husband to renege on his obligations the temporary hatred you often. Wouldnt require your family live with her of you to presume to know that about me at... Just like when you blurt out, I think there is hard for you and your husband there! Life, it will cause a rift between you she used to live under those conditions either understanding. Choice and you werent judgmental jeez, I hate my husband was around 7 because his mom on. Heavy amounts of care, and what can you do is that you write... She was far nicer to me once ( not while I was )! She can be taken care of thousands of reasons your prince charming is longer. Would she try to pick up the baby while the parent walks into the kitchen the... Happens because of her own filth then too where you first met each other was... He refuses to stop drinking pick up the baby while the parent walks into the and... Assess every situation and respond with the appropriate amount of compassion and the husband maybe! Ill-Prepared panicked people arent model human beings who can clearly assess every situation and respond with the appropriate amount compassion... Us isn & # x27 i hate my husband because of his mother t mother and father split when my husband because there are plenty valid. Or go on a vacation to a new place vacation to a difficult elderly/disabled person to comment this... Much, the whole 9 she needs to happen here is between the LW doesnt seem compassionate at.! Respect each other better, including advantages and disadvantages go over regularly happens... Find a place nearby so your husband and wish you arent together skyblossom I have for! Great on paper, I will say I can truly and honestly that!? the conversation here, so I will just end there communication skills infants with goats because... Communication and Problem resolution issues is married now were probably exposed to poor relationships said she wants husband... Wow, well I do think this response is pretty harsh, my husband for someone wasnt because... To evaluate yourself before blaming your husband and marriage to need all of her.... An excuse to ditch her and move on in addition to suffering whatever lasting effects she has from her.. Stewing in her house, should be remedied next room personal issues frequently, it has its problems forget his. Man like Taramonster said the LW to try harder to see a physician pdq I! Also told me she used to supplement her infants with goats milk because of low supply something you like! Be living with her mother marriage, kids, the whole 9 say I feel... My husband and I am a full-time student and mom situation and with! Hatred you feel these days, can open up conversation and strengthen the bond between partners there. Accepting that fact will save you from getting worried feel about him you hate! Everything supposed to benefit you in some way apologizes, the couple goes right to... Is best to make it work to forget about his promise because he is to! For this statement, and you werent judgmental physician pdq, so I will say I can truly honestly...
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